Believe in the Flowers.

Carol of the Zombie Jesus!

As time passes, I'm finding that these ups and downs are a bit much for me. They're difficult to handle and deal with, and I think that the worst part is (easily) that there are far more downs than ups anymore. I have always been familiar with the concept of depression and how very powerful it can be, but right now it has surpassed the point of "tolerable" and has gone into the realm of "insane." I've dealt with this before in a similar situation, so I understand what's going on with me - as much as I possibly can, at least - but it seems like this is a spur-of-the-moment insanity that has grabbed me and thrown me around in circles until I'm too dizzy to function. Never mind that thanks to a dysfunctional air mattress, NONE of us are sleeping well, and I'm sure you can see that life in this apartment has, as of late, not been that much fun. Typically, cleaning up the house means both of us looking at each other, sighing, and jabbing one another through a cleanup routine that leaves us with a nicer house but feeling just as depressed as we began.

Meanwhile, I've been doing some soul searching in hopes of finding out what I intend to spend the rest of my life doing. My original intention was to become a choir director, but my experiences in the last couple of years have been less than positive, and while at J-Dub I changed my mind. After the kid was born, I thought I would perhaps move to an associate of science and go into psychology; problem with that being that I would have to spend far too many years in school and it would require more financing than we could manage, either now or in ten years. And I'm not really sure I could handle knowing exactly what is psychologically wrong with myself and the rest of my family. I can easily imagine the kind of hell that would result in, and while I am all for torturing loved ones to the best of your ability, I don't think I'm okay with something that may result in death - either me killing them, or them dispatching of my irritating, psychoanalyzing self.

So I've turned my head toward the only other thing that has thus far appealed to me: midwifery (wivery?). I've done some research into this; the downside would be that the nearest school in Illinois that would offer such courses is in Chicago. There's no way we'll be able to move to Chicago anytime soon, and a ten hour total commute every day is even more impossible, so for now this is something that I'm hopeful I can pull off, but I have no real expectations. I'd rather take it one day at a time, finding out information and doing what little I can to get myself to that point. Still, it feels good to know what I want to do with my life, and better to know that I've finally found something that seems to suit me. I already have a strong grasp on a lot of medical concepts and my prior knowlege of psychology should prove at least somewhat useful in learning what I need to; that way, not everything will be new information and most of it would hopefully be a refresher. Anyone who has any sort of experience with this sort of thing or who has useful advice is more than welcomed to comment.

I suppose, now, that I ought to get going. I have an hour and a half before the hubby is off work, and I had cleaning that I intended to do before then. I'm thinking I may turn DDR back on so that the kid will have something to distract him while I put away clothes and generally pick up this mess that has recently been our home. Wish me luck.


Have you thought about being a doola for now? It would get you into the birthing rooms-- and on the front line, not to mention $ for doing so. It's a good way to test out if you will like midwivery.