Believe in the Flowers.

Carol of the Zombie Jesus!

Things around here lately have been .. Interesting.

As most of you are aware, we ended up losing our car around the end of October. The 23rd, actually, I think - it ended up being towed to Lee's Summit, Missouri, which is just outside of Kansas City. Thanks to a lot of help from my mom (mostly financial) and a lot of waiting and playing phone tag, we finally got the car back. Somewhere in there, we also ended up having the power shut off for two days or so, thanks to a gross misunderstanding on the behalf of the woman I had spoken to when we switched the power over to our new apartment from the old one. That in and of itself is a long story that may be shared later, but at this point I can't bring myself to care enough about either thing to ramble off stories and recollections and reasons; all that matters is that it's done and everything is taken care of and fixed. We have power and we have the car.

The emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing right now is inasne. I won't go into the reasons behind what I feel and think, but this is a rough patch for us. Moreso, in an odd way, for me than for "us." The one thing I miss the most is having a social life, though at this point the semblance of one that I once had has dissolved into something I joke bitterly about to myself. The only connection I really have to any of my former friends is through Facebook; an unreliable, at best, vantage from which to watch the life I wish I could have lived continue without skipping a beat. There are times I've imagined to myself what life would be like if I had won $10 million, or if I had finished college, or if our son hadn't been born; cruel as that seems to some, it's something I believe all parents are welcome and entitled to think about, especially when the parents in question are young and haven't lived the same life as their peers. Not to insinuate that I'm a party girl or that I would spend every night out at bars - I've never had much of an interest in drinking or sitting in bars with a bunch of strangers - but there are certain aspects that I know would be very different if I wasn't a mother. I would like to think I wouldn't have lost touch with so much of my past life, that so many of my friends wouldn't have felt compelled to drift away. On one hand, I hardly blame them - a woman with a child tying her to the house who can't always find reliable childcare isn't really worth inviting when "going out" doesn't necessarily mean that a nearly-two-year-old is invited - but at the same time I still wish that there was a certain consideration given that was at least attempted just after he was born. A message or wall post on Facebook is at best impersonal, while I've found that one of my friends I have no number for - and for some reason I've had a lot of resistance in getting it - and the other is constantly busy. 

Which is good, in a way. It's nice to see the people I care about continue with their lives despite the hills and bumps; 80% of the time I'm kept in the know about their accomplishments, although their rough times are dealt with by other, likely more capable, closer friends. It's good to see that they're pushing for their dreams still, ensuring they accomplish the things that they have always said were important to them. Here and there I'm given an invitation to an event I likely can't attend, although most of the time I find my name included in the list of mass invites, the people who likely know the invitee or the person the party is being held for, to a degree - though few seem to be actual close friends.

It's nice to know that my old friends are continuing their lives, but there are some things that still make me sick to my stomach.

The only plus side I've had thus far is that one of my favorite blog authors, Heather Armstrong of Dooce fame, is expecting her second child in June of 2009. It was announced today at and I could not be happier for her, knowing that she had already suffered one miscarriage and knowing too that she and her husband Jon have been going through a lot. I know Leta will make a great big sister.


I have been exactly where you are right now and I remember what it felt like. It WILL get so much better. When your son is older you will make new and different friends and those relationships will be on a whole different level. There will come a point where you don't have a moment's thought about "what if..." or any wistful thinking, and instead you will know with certainty that some people are just plain missing out on the wonderfullness that your life will be.

Just hang in there-take it a day at a time, move each day a little closer to the happiness you are so deserving of.